Lucas Chronicles: Weekend Update

Sitting in the hospital right now waiting for Erwinia shot to be done.  10 second shot requires a 2 hour wait time for a reaction.  We got here at 930 this morning and didn't get the shot until 1230 and now we wait.  My mom said it best, when your kids gets cancer, your (social) life is over.  It's true, we can't plan for anything.   WE have been invited to, wanted and yearned to go to this event or that.  Unfortunately, it just doesn't work out.  I'm not complaining because my family is my life, but being with friends and family is good for the soul.

Rina and I are going to dinner tonight for the first time in.......I can't even remember.  It will be nice reprieve from our current situation.  I have come to the realization that I don't respond to texts or emails or facebook as much as I used to.  I feel bad about not getting back to YOU.  Who ever you are specifically this month.  Many people send messages and I just don't get to them, for that I am sorry.

Last week was a bad week for me.  I am finding that my personal limits are getting shorter and shorter.  My tolerances with cancer are getting less and less.  My knowledge about it and so many other topics is growing but I feel I need to know more.  To know as much as the doctors and nurses.  Not to be better than them, but to completely educate myself in this disease that controls my lil' bear.  I ask hundreds of questions and sometimes I fear that the stumbling from the medical staff is lack of knowledge.  I want to know, I need to know and I will find out if you can't answer my questions.

I still cry every day.  Sometimes by myself for no apparent reason. Sometimes because I have looked at old pictures of Lucas b.c. (before cancer).  That gets me every time.  Not because Lucas isn't truly a fighter or not happy but because his happiness has struggle surrounding it every day.  He is "normal", "good", "healthy" about one week a month on average.  It hurts my soul to see him suffer.  If I couldn't write, I know for sure I would have been dead 2 months ago of a massive heart attack.  Knowing that, I have really tried to make a conscious effort to eat better.  I'm not exercising yet, but one step at a time.  I am actually proud of myself that I will make a healthier choice for a meal even when that BAD choice is screaming my name.

As I proofread my post, it is clear my mind is in shambles.  I can't focus on a single topic for more than a few minutes.  I need to call my naturalist Cindy and get back on a routine.  Clear the mind, body and soul of bad and focus on good.

I leave you today with a recent picture of Lucas and his Beads of Courage.