Sunday, August 9

Reflections

My son has cancer...again.   Those are extremely hards words to say, let alone comprehend.  I'm still trying to cope and deal and understand what all this is.  For some people they turn to a god for answers.  For others, they deny it and try to stuff it away.  For me, I try to face it.  Face it head on, for myself and for my family, but especially for my son.  I've been saying it alot lately as I talk to people, friends and family.  This was certainly not the life I chose, but it is the life I have been given.  Therefore, I must learn to adapt to it and cope with it for Lucas.  If for no other reason than because this is his life.  He is the one getting the chemo. He is the one feeling like crap.  He is the one that wants to be alone rather than surrounded by people.  Maybe because he can deal with it better than I ever will.  Because this is the only life he knows.  This is his "normal".

I talk to him daily about how he feels.  Physically, mentally and psychologically.  I try to decipher his 5 year old responses and turn them into adult logic, but sometimes it doesn't make sense.  For instance, he has been stuck on accessing his port and receiving propaphol (sp?).  He tells us multiple times a day how it feels and what he sees and hears, and how the nurses have to squeeze his access site.  He tells us how the erwinia shots really hurt and how long the needles are.  Yet there is an absence of how the poison we call chemo, feels as it is pulsing through his little body.  We know his stomach hurts from the oral meds he has to take multiple times a day.  However, he seems to simply be dealing with his life as best he can.

Because this is his life.  He asks me everyday "when do we have to go back to the hospital"  and I tell him when the next appointment is.   He says "Ok, I'm just checking."  He has been asking us lately how we are doing.  YES, he is just as concerned about us as we are him.  Not that I'm surprised, but I admit I can become speechless by it.  

Tonight we had a few friends over.  We grilled and we had a few drinks.  We talked and laughed about life.  We tip toed around the "C" word.  It is difficult for friends and family to find the "right" words.  Here's what I want you to know.  There are no right or wrong words to say to us.  Your words will be the right words.  Ask us how we are doing, it's ok.  Or don't.   That's ok too.  We understand that life goes on.  It may not seem like it, but we know it does.  We still want to know the good and bad of your lives as well.  You are family.  You are our friends.  We still care.  Maybe we can't react as fast or at all, depending on our current situation, but remember that you care about us and we definitely care about you.

It is 3am in Chicago and my mind is still going 1,000 miles an hour and in every direction possible and I have so much more to say, but I think I need to try and get some sleep.  So in closing,  thank you for being you and thank you for listening.  Thank you for not forgetting and thank you for loving Lucas.

Good night World.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

We love you so much and you are correct, life is hard and sometimes even harder to understand. The best thing you can do is live the life you have as best as you know how. Just remember there is always someone to catch you if you fall. Love you so much xoxo jacq